Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Close of the year, end of this chapter...

Some of the people, places and things that have helped me over the last 3 months to get to here, where I can begin again

New Year 2009 has come and gone in Sydney. Beautiful, smart, feisty niece has just experienced the most amazing Ozzie fireworks that thanks to the wonder of our magical 21st Century technologies, I know about how great they were. Here in bleary Scotland we are on that mid afternoon sleepy old countdown to the 10..9...8...7...6 part of the year, another major cultural punctuation point of our calendar and the final one of this merry season that I am taking a deep intake of breath to face.

So how better to wait for the dusk to start creeping in than to compose the last and final post of this blog. After all - tomorrow is more than just another day - it is another year and another page. I am ending this story today and beginning a new one tomorrow, one I hope that will be less likely to qualify for a subtitle of 'ME ME ME' and more likely to be a little more outward and upward looking.

Lost and Found

This time last year I was a happy, happy person and thought that 2008 was going to be just the best year of my life. The absolute real beginning of a new life. I was wrong. For most of this year there was a horrible deceit being woven around my naive, defences down day to day existence. For most of this year I was living with falsehood and never saw it - so dazzled was I by the beauty of my glass slippers. Sadly the prince turned out to be having an exceptionally toady year and Buttons my mate had also been recast as a nasty ugly sister. The last few months have been the hardest and most painful I have ever lived through. That is sad but its over now, like panto season.

So what did I lose this year?

1) I lost my belief in fairy tales and happy endings. About time. I am on the down side slope to 50. When was I planning to grow up?

2)I lost respect and love for one of my best friends.

3)I lost my relationship with, my respect for and my pride about the man I thought was my 'one and only.' King John was not a good man...(AA Milne)

4)I lost my childish belief in a 'one and only'

5) I lost a lot of confidence and a lot of strength

6) I lost some weight

7) Some of the time I lost my mind

So what did I find this year?

1) I found that people who truly love and respect each other might not always see eye to eye about all matters but they love and respect each other and will be there when love and gentle respect is called for in the dark of a crisis

2)I found that it's OK to be really vulnerable and a bit off my trotters when wrapped in a blanket and that when I needed it most I was taken care of by lots of different people who I am very grateful to

3)I found old friendships are strong and threads between friendships can remain in place even if invisible- some gossamer like and some thick like embroidery thread - over many years

4) I found huge comfort in my family and their love and loyalty

5)I found I actually was not completely happy in my fairy tale of a life after all - if truth be told...

6)I found a new plan

7)I found I still have some of what I thought I had lost - the precious parts of that life, IE some of the people I have grown to love and respect as part of my new 'Fargie' family - James, Katie and their families and babes.

8) I found Face Book!

9) I found out who my friends really are

What I resolve for 2009

1) To tone up

2)To do my facial exercises every day and to take my mascara off every night

3)To be more temperate in all things - especially wine, late nights and chilli chocolate

4)To love my friends and family better and to never take them for granted

5)To remember that life is wonderful and life is scary - it gives and takes and sometimes all in a blink of an eye

6)To never take for granted that kiss, that smile, that goodbye, that hug, that I love you...cause it just could be the last without you ever knowing it is to be so

7)To never ever give my name away again

8)To cosy under a blanket more

9)To string many fairy lights and enjoy more music and sing more

10) To start to save for Graceland

11)To take my girls to Amsterdam like I always promised I would do

12)To spend less time on Face Book

13)To reclaim my state of independence

14) To take my time and to breathe deeply and slowly through life's turns and twists

What I want to say to you..and this is important

Without your messages, your texts, your conversations, your listening ear, your funny and irreverent jokes and comments in some of the darkest moments, your cards, your letters, your presents, your hand holding, the stopping's in the street and the workplace just to say 'I'm sorry, I heard, I hope you will be OK', the teas made for me/us, the drinks poured, the visits, the songs and Cd's sent, the squeezes on my shoulder, the carols sung, the sing star, the arms around me, the kisses, the quiet words of encouragement to go on, the coffees, the not letting me commit grievous bodily harm or murder, the occasional loan of money when I needed it, your anger on my behalf, the solutions you quietly worked out for me when I was too exhausted to find them myself, your grief on my behalf, the turkey and the puddings, the contact even when I was unable to welcome it and didn't want it, the Face Book messages, the fixing of the central heating, the disappointment on my and our behalf, the compassion in the face of many a fearful horizontal tearful , furious and heartbroken streaked breakdown, the many phone calls and the generosity and patience shown when I have not managed well and been at my nutsy best....and even my new home in 09.

Without all of this from you all I don't think I would have got through. I seriously don't think I would have. No touch was too small and no message too short to mean the world to me in my dark place.

So thanks - here is to you from me.

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being

May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

I hope you have a wonderful 2009.

Happy New Year from me to you xxx

Break open the champagne. The mourning is done, rebuilding is beginning...the road ahead is beckoning will be relieved to know that

'After all... tomorrow is another day' is now
over and out

Friday, December 26, 2008

Only a Winters Tale. Kate and Les's first wedding anniversary 2008

The nights are colder now. Maybe I should close the door, and anyway the snow has covered all your footsteps and I can follow you no more. The fire still burns at night, my memories are warm and clear but everybody knows it's hard to be alone at this time of year. While I stand alone a bell is ringing far away I wonder if you hear, I wonder if you're listening…I wonder where you are today...

Good luck. I wish you well, and for all that wishes may be worth I hope that love and strength are with you for the length of your time on earth.

It was only a winter's tale, just another winter's tale, and why should the world take notice of one more love that's failed? It's a love that can never be and though it meant a lot to you and me on a worldwide scale we're just another winter's tale….

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Trying to have complete breakdown but it just isn't happening!


Have a lovely colleague at work who has been asking me if I am OK or if I am having a breakdown? I of course said I was fine fine fine - and then she reminded me that I would be the last one who knew I was having a breakdown - coz I wouldn't be aware of encroaching madness and the effect it was having on my behaviour - it is other people who would notice and would have to deal with that!

Well thanks Babs! As if my self confidence wasn't already a little dented enough?

So I then cast my eye backwards over my behaviours this last little while and I reckon I come out clean...after all whats crazy about addiction to Face Book...public wailing on blog....setting up a grand tour of ex-flames and actually going on it....refusing to look at state of my bank account....drinking VATS of wine and then wondering why I am not feeling so sharp in the morning...telling beautician doing my nails who I have never met before all about everything...weeping loudly and copiously quite spontaneously almost anywhere for any reason, attempting to drive car into ex friend....and on and on and on....

Well, doh!!!! Damn it - am I having a breakdown???

However following girly worried sharing with Charlotte (tank rescue girlfriend) last night bout state of my mental health and how I may have been insulting, worrying, boring and tiring the entire world recently without even being aware I was doing it - we came to the conclusion that I am actually characteristically meeting this disaster in my life with my chin out and my fists up - but yes I probably am a little off balance, probably acting somewhat out of character in some circumstances and my normally impeccable judgement might be slightly impaired at this time. So - oooops! sorry!

However - all of that is nothing compared to the wanton self destructive rampage my husband has gone on - all to mark his 60th year on this planet in this particular life where he has clearly learnt nothing at all yet again. Apart from killing his marriage, ruining his comfortable life full of love and friendship, breaking everyones hearts... he has now also managed to spend the night in the cells, lose his right to drive for at least a year if not more..probably be made a public media scapegoat in January because after all he is a stalwart public figure of education in Fife ...possibly even lose his job. So that all helps Les - well done, you are on a roll pet. What on earth next?

Moving On

I have decided that the New Year will see the close of this chapter and this blog. The next chapter called 'The Unsinkable Ms Brown's Hints and Tips for Growing Ones Own Garden' opens more quietly, in a more measured, gentile and contained manner in 9 days. 'Measured, Gentile and Contained' - indeed the very words that come to mind when you think of me - mental or not!

So until then - I am going to keep shopping for shoes to go with my funky Christmas frock that makes me look like a citizen of Whoville, and being with people ...not alone, whether they like it or not! Christmas parties/gatherings everywhere, walks on the beach and lunches with old friends (friends!) all organised, cards written, Christmas menu agreed and prep underway, Christmas Day Secret Santa sorted, presents all bought and wrapped and today delivered to many doors before mulled wine partaken of down the road this afternoon and more ching ching merriment later on tonight.

Crzy Mad or not I am having a very busy Christmas!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Things that happened today

Things that make this a wonderful life so musn't forget it!
1) Gave a wee boy I don't know a proper Harry Potteresque looking magic wand in fancy box that lights up at the end when it is casting a spell, for his 7th birthday. Was rewarded with watching his jaw actually physically drop with wonderment and then 2 hours of solid 'spelling' around the Gyle - and what-do- you-know - everyone/every stranger who had the wand pointed at them just joined in with the fun....that was nice

2) Was reminded that intimacy is a very special thing that grows slowly over years and is very precious. It can't be picked off the shelf. Realised that I am dying inside from the loss of that intimacy I thought I had - and because of that doing other stuff badly/stupidly. Bit despondent bout that but will do better from now on. Glad to be reminded.

3) Was visited by village carol singers - specially - the only house on the street here that got them. Door was knocked by kids and group stood outside in scarfs and hats and with lanterns and sang Once in Royal Davids City with harmonies - at the same time as at least 50% of them waved at me and I even got a couple of kisses blown. I was entranced. I think I may be living in a Disney movie and its really nice! It's a wonderful life you know.

4) Saw Dom - that's all I can say about that. Can't even to begin to articulate anything other than - bugger - saw Dom! Wow! Years apart - havin coffee. Mad!

5)Bought Christmas 'frock' - its funky

6)Booked nail appointment for tomorrow night - I WILL have nails for Christmas!

7) Think I may have fininshed shopping - phew!

Oh - and another thing...

Forgot to say.....

Under 'Observations' forgot to mention that drivers of things have also been a strange part of this odyssey of mine (very appropriately as am determined to remain captain of my own ship from now on and am relearning to steer again)

I had no idea driving things and people was - and of course it is - such big business - nor how many people I know (or used to know and now know again) are involved in this business. From paramedics super zoomey drivers who are cooking my turkey this year in between driving around saving lives (it's only one paramedic - am not surrounded by paramedics this Christmas as nice of course that this would be! Actually just re read that and it doesn't sound too good. Yikes I take that back, don't want to be surrounded by paramedics this Chrismas thanks) ... to those who drive huge luxurious coaches and hand hold our rich cousins from over the water in their Scottish travels and endless rounds of man golf in bad Tshirts and golf those who weave their lives around the stories of and the trips made by the good folk of Auld Reekie and its many festive visitors at this time of year...

So, driving things is a strong theme, all very congruent with 'getting through this Christmas is driving me insane' and me getting through this Christmas is probably also driving you insane! dinnae go, I'll be back on top soon!

So themed Christmas muse of the day - hmmmm, maybe I should be manifesting the popping up on Face Book of some boy I sat next to in Primary 4 - who at the time I took little notice of because he was a bit of a weed and had small round glasses and freckles but has since then grown up and become a big man with a winning smile and a gentle personality with a strange whiff of machismo eminating from his uniformed broad shoulders who pilots big planes all over the world, was widowed two years ago (tragic!) and is now over her (about time!) just about ready for a new friendship (with back rubs) involving exotic holidays and expensive jewellery...and no mistresses.

Dear Santa - r u listening? As I didn't win the lottery last night after all - this would do nicely instead along with a bit of Santa magic to help make my nails grow back please, some digital phones, an IPod and letters of permission from my kids, family members and friends that will allow me to go to bed on evening of 26th with a bottle of left over wedding cava and get up to a huge cooked breakfast with potato scones at 11 a.m. on 28th Dec.

I thank you. x

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Bored of Myself

It's beginning to look a lot like....

So we are here - the weekend before Christmas. St Fillans Crescent is covered tastefully and conservatively in small white pea lights glittering (its a middle class thing - Church Grove in Burntisland when I lived there used be lit up like Las Vegas - I always fancied covering the front of my roof there with a neon Mary giving know 4 pushes and then he's out and then there is some incredible firework thing happens, and then because its a sequence it starts all over again).
Last weekend I did the shops and tried to find my tree and decorations but to no avail...they have been Fargie tidied somewhere...I suspect the unreachable attic where 5' women were never allowed to go....... The attic was actually -thankfully - pretty out of bounds to me when Les lived here, cause i couldn't navigate across the big gap between step ladder and loft floor. I wonder what else he kept up there - like Bluebeard maybe that's where he kept all of his mistresses.

I did fight with my big front garden tree and some delightfully pathetic and coloured outdoor lights so I could break the white soft focus street wear look. Must have caused great amusement for the neighbours as I tried not to show myself up while dangerously climbing very wobbly ladders - falling off them a number of times - hopelessly lasso throwing said string of lights across branches - all to no avail for about 2 hours. God, I refused to give up. The whole lot of them falling out of tree onto my face was a bit of a low point - but triumph I did in the end, even if the whole thing does now make my drive look like a car lot in East Enders and I have had worn a defiant fat lip all week to work.

Christmas tree was of course another story - one of my many 'oh God Christmas is nearly here' weeps and shrill wails was dedicated to not being able to find tree (girlie gaggy weepy blotchy snotty me) and was played out in the style of an old Bette Davis movie collapsed across my desk at work in front of my colleague Michelle. She was so moved by my distress that she suggested there and then to take me to Kirkcaldy Garden Centre to buy a real tree..and that is what we did. Then when I had found PERFECT 6 foot tree and lovely little man had wrapped it up in net for us, she then announces in her lovely Irish accent that "Brian and I are buying you that for your Christmas and that's that!" Oh God -horizontal weeps and wails, much hugging, poor Michelle just draped all over with soggy, wailing, heaving me for at least 10 minutes - other customers stampeding out the door in alarm, little man with netted tree shuffling in embarrassed fashion and gently patting my arm as Michelle guides me out the shop like you would your gran when you collect her from the hospital.

Anyway -Michelle and Brian - this tree has just been the very best Christmas pressie ever and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Accompanying it when delivered later that night to the house (wouldn't fit in the cherry mobile!) was a lovely card that began ' the strongest woman I know...' Michelle, I thank you and your concern for my self esteem - but lets face it 'the strongest woman I know....? I think NOT!!!

I have cried so much this week - I now know that when you cry (which is not to be encouraged in middle aged women for various reasons, including the colour you go and the horrid contortions that take your face over) the moisture actually comes from your lips. And if you cry a lot then you end up with lips that are all prune like and tiny and horrid. So best not to. I had to scuttle out (well actually hurdle out like an Olympic champion) of my works Christmas lunch when the intention for us to all stand up, cross hands and sing Auld Lang Syne together was announced -Christ!!! I'd have had no lips left - and, travelling ever hopefully, I need them!!

Name Changing
A lot of people at work are having a problem with my metamorphosis from Kate to Katie - no one in my home or community life seem to be having any problem at all (as I never seem to have been anything other than that) and if they do they just don't call me Katie. Actually - its because I work with lots of people who are quite cultured and therefore pronounce their 't's. They don't understand that it is supposed to be pronounced Ka-ie....and that is much easier to say than Kayteee - I wore the name Fargie for such a short time that being Brown again is like being able to take off those lovely new shoes that you adore but that absolutely are killing your feet, and putting on your old boots again. Bit of a big relief. Girls - never give your name away - we are not supposed to no matter what the Bible or more realistically a legal system that still (even in the 21st Century) defines women as pieces of property - like a chair or an ornament or a car, says. Its not romantic...its bollocks. Don't know what got into me - a whole lot of fairy tale nonsense. Tsk Tsk....might be feeling a little mad now but I absolutely must have barking crazy this time last year!

Social Networking and just seeing folk!
Amazing - I have found so many people I had lost...or haven't seen for ages and ages..... UP side is that I have found again it seems only nice people..thank goodness, although some vampire group keeps sending me messages following a comment I made about myself on FaceBook feeling like a vampire bat.....that's a bit weird. That aside (and I have draped windows with garlic just in case someone knocks in the night...huh! chance would be a fine thing!) it has been great catching up...meeting up..chatting...hugging...laughing and yes of course snottily weeping from time to time (sorry! you know who you are!!) I like.

1) Lots of boys of my own age I have lost touch with seem to have only just started having babies NOW - thats odd, I started 23 years ago and can't even begin to imagine being anything other than a Mum of young women and a step-grannie (which i still proudly am) or even a grannie though I know Robyn aint up for that idea yet....are you pet??!!! Maybe it's a theatre thing???
2) Lots of little children who I loved and fussed and probably shouted at crabbily many years ago are now very braw, very clever, very cool, much taller than me and have great skin. They live in great flats in great cities across the UK and the world, do intellectual, meaningful and creative things for work and also feel quite sorry for and protective of me. Not sure how that makes me feel!? Hmmm- my day may be slipping past..yikes! The word Grannie has slipped into this post more than once today.
3) Apart from the odd miraculous find (from across the ocean of 34 years in one case) there was never any real reason for me to have lost touch with or strayed from the side of my wonderful friends and family the way that I did. Why did I do that I am asking myself now - why did I get so distant from so many wonderful people in my life? Why did I submerge myself so in my work and my Les to the detriment of all these other relationships? Don't have the answer to that yet, but thankfully all doors still seem wide open for me, and that's a great relief...also being hugged to death.
Tomorrow I am having v v v v v special catch up with an old friend from across about 13 years worth of silly gap who I intend to hug for about 3 hours while having coffee in the beautiful Botanics and I am meeting a child who is already 7 who I know all about but have never met before, in the hot house. How special is that? Will try (really try) not to weep!!!!!!!!
Well wrapping calls (of the paper and not the cultural expression type)...ching... ching... ching... ching... ching... xxx

Friday, December 12, 2008

It is Friday night - I want to be out on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...or something.....a poker game...a girlie piss the a cowboy bar...whatever. Dear God I AM that lonely old person Erin is being upset about at Christmas. Ok time to invest in shapeware and step up baby!