Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Close of the year, end of this chapter...


Some of the people, places and things that have helped me over the last 3 months to get to here, where I can begin again


New Year 2009 has come and gone in Sydney. Beautiful, smart, feisty niece has just experienced the most amazing Ozzie fireworks that thanks to the wonder of our magical 21st Century technologies, I know about how great they were. Here in bleary Scotland we are on that mid afternoon sleepy old countdown to the 10..9...8...7...6 part of the year, another major cultural punctuation point of our calendar and the final one of this merry season that I am taking a deep intake of breath to face.


So how better to wait for the dusk to start creeping in than to compose the last and final post of this blog. After all - tomorrow is more than just another day - it is another year and another page. I am ending this story today and beginning a new one tomorrow, one I hope that will be less likely to qualify for a subtitle of 'ME ME ME' and more likely to be a little more outward and upward looking.


Lost and Found


This time last year I was a happy, happy person and thought that 2008 was going to be just the best year of my life. The absolute real beginning of a new life. I was wrong. For most of this year there was a horrible deceit being woven around my naive, defences down day to day existence. For most of this year I was living with falsehood and never saw it - so dazzled was I by the beauty of my glass slippers. Sadly the prince turned out to be having an exceptionally toady year and Buttons my mate had also been recast as a nasty ugly sister. The last few months have been the hardest and most painful I have ever lived through. That is sad but its over now, like panto season.


So what did I lose this year?


1) I lost my belief in fairy tales and happy endings. About time. I am on the down side slope to 50. When was I planning to grow up?

2)I lost respect and love for one of my best friends.

3)I lost my relationship with, my respect for and my pride about the man I thought was my 'one and only.' King John was not a good man...(AA Milne)

4)I lost my childish belief in a 'one and only'

5) I lost a lot of confidence and a lot of strength

6) I lost some weight

7) Some of the time I lost my mind


So what did I find this year?

1) I found that people who truly love and respect each other might not always see eye to eye about all matters but they love and respect each other and will be there when love and gentle respect is called for in the dark of a crisis

2)I found that it's OK to be really vulnerable and a bit off my trotters when wrapped in a blanket and that when I needed it most I was taken care of by lots of different people who I am very grateful to

3)I found old friendships are strong and threads between friendships can remain in place even if invisible- some gossamer like and some thick like embroidery thread - over many years

4) I found huge comfort in my family and their love and loyalty

5)I found I actually was not completely happy in my fairy tale of a life after all - if truth be told...

6)I found a new plan

7)I found I still have some of what I thought I had lost - the precious parts of that life, IE some of the people I have grown to love and respect as part of my new 'Fargie' family - James, Katie and their families and babes.

8) I found Face Book!

9) I found out who my friends really are


What I resolve for 2009

1) To tone up

2)To do my facial exercises every day and to take my mascara off every night

3)To be more temperate in all things - especially wine, late nights and chilli chocolate

4)To love my friends and family better and to never take them for granted

5)To remember that life is wonderful and life is scary - it gives and takes and sometimes all in a blink of an eye

6)To never take for granted that kiss, that smile, that goodbye, that hug, that I love you...cause it just could be the last without you ever knowing it is to be so

7)To never ever give my name away again

8)To cosy under a blanket more

9)To string many fairy lights and enjoy more music and sing more

10) To start to save for Graceland

11)To take my girls to Amsterdam like I always promised I would do

12)To spend less time on Face Book

13)To reclaim my state of independence

14) To take my time and to breathe deeply and slowly through life's turns and twists

What I want to say to you..and this is important

Without your messages, your texts, your conversations, your listening ear, your funny and irreverent jokes and comments in some of the darkest moments, your cards, your letters, your presents, your hand holding, the stopping's in the street and the workplace just to say 'I'm sorry, I heard, I hope you will be OK', the teas made for me/us, the drinks poured, the visits, the songs and Cd's sent, the squeezes on my shoulder, the carols sung, the sing star, the arms around me, the kisses, the quiet words of encouragement to go on, the coffees, the not letting me commit grievous bodily harm or murder, the occasional loan of money when I needed it, your anger on my behalf, the solutions you quietly worked out for me when I was too exhausted to find them myself, your grief on my behalf, the turkey and the puddings, the contact even when I was unable to welcome it and didn't want it, the Face Book messages, the fixing of the central heating, the disappointment on my and our behalf, the compassion in the face of many a fearful horizontal tearful , furious and heartbroken streaked breakdown, the many phone calls and the generosity and patience shown when I have not managed well and been at my nutsy best....and even my new home in 09.

Without all of this from you all I don't think I would have got through. I seriously don't think I would have. No touch was too small and no message too short to mean the world to me in my dark place.

So thanks - here is to you from me.

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being


May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

I hope you have a wonderful 2009.

Happy New Year from me to you xxx

Break open the champagne. The mourning is done, rebuilding is beginning...the road ahead is beckoning ...you will be relieved to know that

'After all... tomorrow is another day' is now
over and out





Friday, December 26, 2008

Only a Winters Tale. Kate and Les's first wedding anniversary 2008


The nights are colder now. Maybe I should close the door, and anyway the snow has covered all your footsteps and I can follow you no more. The fire still burns at night, my memories are warm and clear but everybody knows it's hard to be alone at this time of year. While I stand alone a bell is ringing far away I wonder if you hear, I wonder if you're listening…I wonder where you are today...

Good luck. I wish you well, and for all that wishes may be worth I hope that love and strength are with you for the length of your time on earth.

It was only a winter's tale, just another winter's tale, and why should the world take notice of one more love that's failed? It's a love that can never be and though it meant a lot to you and me on a worldwide scale we're just another winter's tale….

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Trying to have complete breakdown but it just isn't happening!


Breakdowns


Have a lovely colleague at work who has been asking me if I am OK or if I am having a breakdown? I of course said I was fine fine fine - and then she reminded me that I would be the last one who knew I was having a breakdown - coz I wouldn't be aware of encroaching madness and the effect it was having on my behaviour - it is other people who would notice and would have to deal with that!

Well thanks Babs! As if my self confidence wasn't already a little dented enough?

So I then cast my eye backwards over my behaviours this last little while and I reckon I come out clean...after all whats crazy about addiction to Face Book...public wailing on blog....setting up a grand tour of ex-flames and actually going on it....refusing to look at state of my bank account....drinking VATS of wine and then wondering why I am not feeling so sharp in the morning...telling beautician doing my nails who I have never met before all about everything...weeping loudly and copiously quite spontaneously almost anywhere for any reason, attempting to drive car into ex friend....and on and on and on....

Well, doh!!!! Damn it - am I having a breakdown???

However following girly worried sharing with Charlotte (tank rescue girlfriend) last night bout state of my mental health and how I may have been insulting, worrying, boring and tiring the entire world recently without even being aware I was doing it - we came to the conclusion that I am actually characteristically meeting this disaster in my life with my chin out and my fists up - but yes I probably am a little off balance, probably acting somewhat out of character in some circumstances and my normally impeccable judgement might be slightly impaired at this time. So - oooops! sorry!

However - all of that is nothing compared to the wanton self destructive rampage my husband has gone on - all to mark his 60th year on this planet in this particular life where he has clearly learnt nothing at all yet again. Apart from killing his marriage, ruining his comfortable life full of love and friendship, breaking everyones hearts... he has now also managed to spend the night in the cells, lose his right to drive for at least a year if not more..probably be made a public media scapegoat in January because after all he is a stalwart public figure of education in Fife ...possibly even lose his job. So that all helps Les - well done, you are on a roll pet. What on earth next?


Moving On


I have decided that the New Year will see the close of this chapter and this blog. The next chapter called 'The Unsinkable Ms Brown's Hints and Tips for Growing Ones Own Garden' opens more quietly, in a more measured, gentile and contained manner in 9 days. 'Measured, Gentile and Contained' - indeed the very words that come to mind when you think of me - mental or not!


So until then - I am going to keep shopping for shoes to go with my funky Christmas frock that makes me look like a citizen of Whoville, and being with people ...not alone, whether they like it or not! Christmas parties/gatherings everywhere, walks on the beach and lunches with old friends (friends!) all organised, cards written, Christmas menu agreed and prep underway, Christmas Day Secret Santa sorted, presents all bought and wrapped and today delivered to many doors before mulled wine partaken of down the road this afternoon and more ching ching merriment later on tonight.


Crzy Mad or not I am having a very busy Christmas!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Things that happened today

Things that make this a wonderful life so musn't forget it!
1) Gave a wee boy I don't know a proper Harry Potteresque looking magic wand in fancy box that lights up at the end when it is casting a spell, for his 7th birthday. Was rewarded with watching his jaw actually physically drop with wonderment and then 2 hours of solid 'spelling' around the Gyle - and what-do- you-know - everyone/every stranger who had the wand pointed at them just joined in with the fun....that was nice

2) Was reminded that intimacy is a very special thing that grows slowly over years and is very precious. It can't be picked off the shelf. Realised that I am dying inside from the loss of that intimacy I thought I had - and because of that doing other stuff badly/stupidly. Bit despondent bout that but will do better from now on. Glad to be reminded.

3) Was visited by village carol singers - specially - the only house on the street here that got them. Door was knocked by kids and group stood outside in scarfs and hats and with lanterns and sang Once in Royal Davids City with harmonies - at the same time as at least 50% of them waved at me and I even got a couple of kisses blown. I was entranced. I think I may be living in a Disney movie and its really nice! It's a wonderful life you know.

4) Saw Dom - that's all I can say about that. Can't even to begin to articulate anything other than - bugger - saw Dom! Wow! Years apart - havin coffee. Mad!

5)Bought Christmas 'frock' - its funky

6)Booked nail appointment for tomorrow night - I WILL have nails for Christmas!

7) Think I may have fininshed shopping - phew!

Oh - and another thing...


Forgot to say.....


Under 'Observations' forgot to mention that drivers of things have also been a strange part of this odyssey of mine (very appropriately as am determined to remain captain of my own ship from now on and am relearning to steer again)

I had no idea driving things and people was - and of course it is - such big business - nor how many people I know (or used to know and now know again) are involved in this business. From paramedics super zoomey drivers who are cooking my turkey this year in between driving around saving lives (it's only one paramedic - am not surrounded by paramedics this Christmas as nice of course that this would be! Actually just re read that and it doesn't sound too good. Yikes I take that back, don't want to be surrounded by paramedics this Chrismas thanks) ... to those who drive huge luxurious coaches and hand hold our rich cousins from over the water in their Scottish travels and endless rounds of man golf in bad Tshirts and golf trousers...to those who weave their lives around the stories of and the trips made by the good folk of Auld Reekie and its many festive visitors at this time of year...

So, driving things is a strong theme, all very congruent with 'getting through this Christmas is driving me insane' and me getting through this Christmas is probably also driving you insane! away..aw dinnae go, I'll be back on top soon!


So themed Christmas muse of the day - hmmmm, maybe I should be manifesting the popping up on Face Book of some boy I sat next to in Primary 4 - who at the time I took little notice of because he was a bit of a weed and had small round glasses and freckles but has since then grown up and become a big man with a winning smile and a gentle personality with a strange whiff of machismo eminating from his uniformed broad shoulders who pilots big planes all over the world, was widowed two years ago (tragic!) and is now over her (about time!) just about ready for a new friendship (with back rubs) involving exotic holidays and expensive jewellery...and no mistresses.


Dear Santa - r u listening? As I didn't win the lottery last night after all - this would do nicely instead along with a bit of Santa magic to help make my nails grow back please, some digital phones, an IPod and letters of permission from my kids, family members and friends that will allow me to go to bed on evening of 26th with a bottle of left over wedding cava and get up to a huge cooked breakfast with potato scones at 11 a.m. on 28th Dec.

I thank you. x

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Bored of Myself







It's beginning to look a lot like....



So we are here - the weekend before Christmas. St Fillans Crescent is covered tastefully and conservatively in small white pea lights glittering (its a middle class thing - Church Grove in Burntisland when I lived there used be lit up like Las Vegas - I always fancied covering the front of my roof there with a neon Mary giving birth..you know 4 pushes and then he's out and then there is some incredible firework thing happens, and then because its a sequence it starts all over again).
Last weekend I did the shops and tried to find my tree and decorations but to no avail...they have been Fargie tidied somewhere...I suspect the unreachable attic where 5' women were never allowed to go....... The attic was actually -thankfully - pretty out of bounds to me when Les lived here, cause i couldn't navigate across the big gap between step ladder and loft floor. I wonder what else he kept up there - like Bluebeard maybe that's where he kept all of his mistresses.

I did fight with my big front garden tree and some delightfully pathetic and coloured outdoor lights so I could break the white soft focus street wear look. Must have caused great amusement for the neighbours as I tried not to show myself up while dangerously climbing very wobbly ladders - falling off them a number of times - hopelessly lasso throwing said string of lights across branches - all to no avail for about 2 hours. God, I refused to give up. The whole lot of them falling out of tree onto my face was a bit of a low point - but triumph I did in the end, even if the whole thing does now make my drive look like a car lot in East Enders and I have had worn a defiant fat lip all week to work.

Christmas tree was of course another story - one of my many 'oh God Christmas is nearly here' weeps and shrill wails was dedicated to not being able to find tree (girlie gaggy weepy blotchy snotty me) and was played out in the style of an old Bette Davis movie collapsed across my desk at work in front of my colleague Michelle. She was so moved by my distress that she suggested there and then to take me to Kirkcaldy Garden Centre to buy a real tree..and that is what we did. Then when I had found PERFECT 6 foot tree and lovely little man had wrapped it up in net for us, she then announces in her lovely Irish accent that "Brian and I are buying you that for your Christmas and that's that!" Oh God -horizontal weeps and wails, much hugging, poor Michelle just draped all over with soggy, wailing, heaving me for at least 10 minutes - other customers stampeding out the door in alarm, little man with netted tree shuffling in embarrassed fashion and gently patting my arm as Michelle guides me out the shop like you would your gran when you collect her from the hospital.

Anyway -Michelle and Brian - this tree has just been the very best Christmas pressie ever and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Accompanying it when delivered later that night to the house (wouldn't fit in the cherry mobile!) was a lovely card that began '...to the strongest woman I know...' Michelle, I thank you and your concern for my self esteem - but lets face it 'the strongest woman I know....? I think NOT!!!

Crying
I have cried so much this week - I now know that when you cry (which is not to be encouraged in middle aged women for various reasons, including the colour you go and the horrid contortions that take your face over) the moisture actually comes from your lips. And if you cry a lot then you end up with lips that are all prune like and tiny and horrid. So best not to. I had to scuttle out (well actually hurdle out like an Olympic champion) of my works Christmas lunch when the intention for us to all stand up, cross hands and sing Auld Lang Syne together was announced -Christ!!! I'd have had no lips left - and, travelling ever hopefully, I need them!!

Name Changing
A lot of people at work are having a problem with my metamorphosis from Kate to Katie - no one in my home or community life seem to be having any problem at all (as I never seem to have been anything other than that) and if they do they just don't call me Katie. Actually - its because I work with lots of people who are quite cultured and therefore pronounce their 't's. They don't understand that it is supposed to be pronounced Ka-ie....and that is much easier to say than Kayteee - I wore the name Fargie for such a short time that being Brown again is like being able to take off those lovely new shoes that you adore but that absolutely are killing your feet, and putting on your old boots again. Bit of a big relief. Girls - never give your name away - we are not supposed to no matter what the Bible or more realistically a legal system that still (even in the 21st Century) defines women as pieces of property - like a chair or an ornament or a car, says. Its not romantic...its bollocks. Don't know what got into me - a whole lot of fairy tale nonsense. Tsk Tsk....might be feeling a little mad now but I absolutely must have barking crazy this time last year!

Social Networking and just seeing folk!
Amazing - I have found so many people I had lost...or haven't seen for ages and ages..... UP side is that I have found again it seems only nice people..thank goodness, although some vampire group keeps sending me messages following a comment I made about myself on FaceBook feeling like a vampire bat.....that's a bit weird. That aside (and I have draped windows with garlic just in case someone knocks in the night...huh! chance would be a fine thing!) it has been great catching up...meeting up..chatting...hugging...laughing and yes of course snottily weeping from time to time (sorry! you know who you are!!) I like.

Observations:
1) Lots of boys of my own age I have lost touch with seem to have only just started having babies NOW - thats odd, I started 23 years ago and can't even begin to imagine being anything other than a Mum of young women and a step-grannie (which i still proudly am) or even a grannie though I know Robyn aint up for that idea yet....are you pet??!!! Maybe it's a theatre thing???
2) Lots of little children who I loved and fussed and probably shouted at crabbily many years ago are now very braw, very clever, very cool, much taller than me and have great skin. They live in great flats in great cities across the UK and the world, do intellectual, meaningful and creative things for work and also feel quite sorry for and protective of me. Not sure how that makes me feel!? Hmmm- my day may be slipping past..yikes! The word Grannie has slipped into this post more than once today.
3) Apart from the odd miraculous find (from across the ocean of 34 years in one case) there was never any real reason for me to have lost touch with or strayed from the side of my wonderful friends and family the way that I did. Why did I do that I am asking myself now - why did I get so distant from so many wonderful people in my life? Why did I submerge myself so in my work and my Les to the detriment of all these other relationships? Don't have the answer to that yet, but thankfully all doors still seem wide open for me, and that's a great relief...also being hugged to death.
Tomorrow I am having v v v v v special catch up with an old friend from across about 13 years worth of silly gap who I intend to hug for about 3 hours while having coffee in the beautiful Botanics and I am meeting a child who is already 7 who I know all about but have never met before, in the hot house. How special is that? Will try (really try) not to weep!!!!!!!!
Well wrapping calls (of the paper and not the cultural expression type)...ching... ching... ching... ching... ching... xxx

Friday, December 12, 2008


It is Friday night - I want to be out on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...or something.....a poker game...a girlie piss up...at the pictures.....in a cowboy bar...whatever. Dear God I AM that lonely old person Erin is being upset about at Christmas. Ok time to invest in shapeware and step up baby!

Thursday, December 11, 2008







OK - that poem was a little depressed. I have been told that was a worry by more than one person (hooray! More than one person reading my blog!) Do not be worried - I am a tough old bird..I was a single parent (from their baby hoods) twice over in my life before this and you don't survive that while building a starry career, watching beautiful girlie's grow and thrive and ruining carpets with the ease that I have done, without being a toughie.

So that day gone -new day is here.

So - today's challenges?????
1. The new sleeping blanket.
Sorcha is sad, Sorcha is blue and she is cold cause her radiator is not heating up and try as I might to bleed the bloody thing, its just not getting any better. So - got her a new warmy toasty sleeping blanket today to keep her cosy at night....then I tried to put it on her bed -alone!

I now remember why being a single parent is just plain shite. 1 hour later I have done it. However on the way I have given myself rope burns on my fingers - have been trapped flailing under the mattress more than once while trying to tie tie A to loop B and C and tie C to loop D and E - and then discovered - when all in place - the bloody plug would not reach the wall so had to start all over again! On the bright side spending that much time peering down into the dark pit that is 'under the bed of a 14 year old' (pinned face down by the mattress as I was) has allowed me to restock my cupboards with plates, mugs and cutlery - has made me richer by £7. 43 p and has introduced to me to an interesting little creature who I hadn't met before and didn't know had come to live with us! Also found a number of notes signed by me asking PE teacher to excuse Sorcha for gym as she has had a variety of incurable illnesses over the past three terms...including very severe periods every time (and I mean EVERY time) swimming was due....do things NEVER change???

2. My ex-best friend and her debt - obsession

I am obsessed with my ex-best friends refusal to pay me back the 150 euros that was put on my credit card to pay for her v expensive British doctors consultation while she, I and my husband were honeymooning together in Portugal. (Yes I know NOW that the clue was in the fact that she was there at all - but at the time it all seemed to be perfectly fine! - DOH!) She had HUGE HUGE panic attack on our last day together in the Algarve - but I thought she had a chest infection - and we rushed down to white doctors office to save her life. Life duly saved " you have got yourself in a real state about something my girl haven't you" said nice British doctor to gasping friend, explaining that her condition was all to do with hyperventilation not heart failure - and I duly handed over 150 euro - hugging her and thanking him profusely.

Now I know this in the wider scheme of things is just a little thing - but the cow was shagging my husband and her panic attack was because she was shagging my husband (or was it because I was shagging my husband that morning and she knew it??-I don't know- it all gets a bit complex!) - any how - long and short of it - she and he completely bladdered our lives together and she OWES ME 150 EUROS and I WANT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and breathe.......and again...

My cat Toby....

...is refusing to clean his bum properly now the horrid winter is her. How much of a boy is that? I want him to pull himself together!

Putting Water in my mini

I spent 40 minutes on forecourt of garage today trying to find catch thingummy to pull to open my bonnet so I could put water and screen wash in my car. AAAAAAAGH - am such a girlie. eventually phoned my friend Charlotte (nearly phoned Christmas tree man - how pathetic would that have been?!) who has Mini too. She told me. Charlotte is always saving me. I love her. Sorcha says Charlotte is a bit of tank girl and we will ask her this weekend to help us get Christmas decorations out of attic. It's time for turning house into Santa's grotto.

Women folk

My mummy is not well - we will make her better. My sister is exotically gifted with the ability to grow almost unheard of benign tumours from year to year - I wish she would stop it. My little sister snatched a full 7 minutes of phone time with me between her little boys bedtimes...my daughter Robyn is going to New Orleans and I am sooooooooooo proud of her..my niece to be Erin is celebrating her birthday today and my beautiful niece Emma is doing party's in Australia like a good 'un. Sorcha is home now and rolling around in very very very cozy bed. Life is OK and out there I don't doubt that someone is thinking of me...! Night night xxxxx

Monday, December 8, 2008

In the bleak mid winter


In the bleak mid winter frosty winds made moan

In the bleak mid winter something lost and something found

today I'm headed down down down

In the bleak mid winter house is cold and I am old

heart is broke / n really broke/ n

future's bleak ......law-yer has spoken

In the bleak mid winter Missing missing missing them

Missing man missing friend

Missing me..where'd I go?

not so brave when low, low, low, low, low, low , low

In the b


l

e

a

k

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Good Karma Christmas Tree Decorating







Preparing for Christmas



I am pretending to be very unconcerned about Christmas coming. If I pretend hard enough I might just fly through it and it will be ok and I will not cry.

My pals have arranged to gather around and we are all meeting up on Christmas night to play charades and sing singstar and to vie for the new trophy to be won by the family who makes the best Christmas desert from a pre secretly designated continent chosen by tightly folded secret bits of paper from the tupperware bowl!

We have arranged our secret Santa and agreed we will drink all the left over Wedding Cava that is still sitting in the garage from last years winter wedding of the century extravaganza...and we will not toast my ex- friend or my ex-husband. My 'husband' for Christmas this year is not of course my real husband (the one Iwould like now to be legally my ex-husband) but Richard - my single friend and long time member of 4 Mary's extended grouping, Daddy to Erin and Hannah. He is quite into the idea and wanted to know if our festive coming together meant that he could put his hand down my cleavage from time to time over the course of the evening - (emm no Richard, as you are playing my husband on that night your role will be drink too much, oggle my female younger friends and let me go to bed alone later while you watch porn on Sky).

His girls were quite delighted and happy to have a me as a new step mum for the day. My girls are also delighted to have Richard as step daddy for Christmas - although if truth be told he's pretty much been in that role before over the years when he was my trusty nxt door neighbour in Murrell Terrace.

So hopefully all will be well and I won't descend into the veil of tears like I have done at every other party over the last few weeks.

Decorating for Christmas

I invested huge amounts of money in my wedding decor last year because romantically it was all going to be used every year for Christmas as a romantic memory jogger that our anniversary would only be two days away come Christmas day - aaaaah - so decorating the house for Christmas this year (my greatest love and delight) is not a thought I am living with easily. The decorations will look pretty much as flowers do at funerals, in wreaths, pretty, grief stricken and wasteful..but decorate we must and as this is the last Christmas we will have here in this house - it is going to be seen SHINING TWINKLING BRIGHT BRIGHT BRIGHT through Google Earth.
All the Christmas stuff is in the attic - husband liked things to be tidy and put away. It is of course his (was his) job to get it all down - my 5' stature and vertigo does not help when trying to get into attic and lug big boxes and Christmas trees down through the hatch and on to the landing below. I DONT WANT TO DECORATE THE BLOODY TREE THIS YEAR....but don't tell the kids.

Christmas Decorating for Someone Else Instead

I decorated my friends tree for him last night - I trudged round freezing festive twilight streets finding more tinsel and popping streamers and lights cause his collection was not of a sufficiancy to satisfy me - I am an extreme decorator - but he is a temperate man in pretty much many of his ways. He cancelled Christmas last year because he was sad then...but this year he gave me permission to bring twinkle in to his boy house. It was great - I had such a ball. This christmas tree has no attending emotional baggage or parcels around it - it was emotionally a virgin tree for me and it was just so very very very very pleased to have me fuss over it's little bare branches. Now it is a beautiful loved little tree and I am proud of my endeavour. We sat in its light and enjoyed pasta and prawns and talked of friends, lives and days passed and ideas for tomorrw and it was a very good night. And not one tear - not one.xx

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Starlings flying, Christmas Lists for Santa and Country Music







I spent some time with a very wise friend last night and I shared with her that I would like to throw everything up in the air, put on a backpack and bugger off to India...really would. She told me that in my head she thought I was already on my way -cause going to India (which she has done) is all about exploring completely different and strange cultures, philosophies, ways of living, sights, smells and people overload - spiritual explorations and wonderment at the world in general - its about being out of your comfort zone and being part of somewhere completely foreign to what you know, and finding ways to relax into it - to become part of it and let go control. For someone like me who micro manages almost everything this made great sense to me...that's what I am doing - all control lost. And funnily enough it is great! I want to do more now - let go control, wonder, explore, meet surprise round every corner..find new ways...let go of old ways. OK so I can't go physically travelling yet - 3 more years of school for Sorcha and so much potential and talent therein. Her journey to that point needs to stay steady. But my inner journey is started and I'm not going back.


Funny or startling moments today:-








1. I was gobsmacked this morning to see the starlings in a huge V migrating away to hotter lands - it was beautiful. Made me say 'Oh Man' right out loud while going round a roundabout in grey bleak Glenrothes.







2. I found out how it must feel to do that big 'reveal' on extreme makeover this morning . Following starling moment walked proudly into senior management team meeting as the returned one - the one whose marriage crashed so spectacularly so unexpectedly - the one everyone there knew was going to drown in sorrow and anger....the one not seen for 7 weeks who might even have died - well in my head that was what was in their heads. Actually there I was looking HOT and together and absolutely a woman of substance in her prime - and basically no one was really interested except for me. It was my big moment - my return to that grey suited public service world in the sky to talk about culture and politics and other such yah yah yah and that's what we did for 3 hours. Oh God - its as if my never had never imploded and changed its direction to India at all!



3. I was invited to decorate someone else's Christmas Tree. This is a splendid turn up for the books. Having got married on the 27th December last year I had of course invested loads of money (I mean feckin LOADS of money) in the winter wedding decorations- the justification being that I would use them all for Christmas for all our Christmas's on ad infinitum..how romantic eh? So - I am NOT looking forward to decorating our tree this year or decorating the cold cold cold (and rather disordered) house. But to decorate someone else's - that's a dream. I get to indulge my decoration fetish and there is no emotional baggage. Hooray for friends!


Sorcha's Santa list grown alarmingly! Guess its time to hit the shops!


4. Country Music


Such times bring out such funny hidden things in a person. I have totally gone through all my music and have spent hours and hours driving around singing and harmonising (badly) to so much stuff I had forgotten to listed to - earl must die being my early favourite. However - some Weeks ago I discovered I had for some strange reason bought a 3 CD country compilation called - heart breakers - and yes - I though, worth the listen. Well a number of weeks ago out of 36 tracks there were 4 I could listen to and liked including achey breakey heart and your cheatin heart (see theme working there) and Sorcha would not get in or out of car if I was playing it in case someone heard. Well blow me - realised today the number of track I not only liked, knew all the words to and all the harmonies for had risen to about 20 - and they are shite - but they are great! I am now addicted to shite country music - see all control gone. Am going to go blond and have my top two ribs taken out so I can get that 20 inch waist -then I'm going solo - sod the other Dooh La Lallies - grand ole opera here I come


5. last but not least - I spoke by email to the man I named my first born after last night - he has just had a baby girl and did not return the favour - she called Rosie (what wrong with Katie Sneller?) Not seen him for 15 years - what a sweet fingertip contact touch - loved him v much and am glad he is good. Ah life is OK and there is a star hanging under the moon. Fab..of course this could be the onset of mania!!?


Kisses you'all xxx







Monday, December 1, 2008

Emotional Instability on the high seas




Not withstanding that its has now reached that time of year when it is pitch black most of the time - it is freezing, my ridiculously expensive Norwegian Forest cats refuse - despite their triple oiled fur coats - to go out into the cold to climb any trees at all and even for the most well balanced person Prozac is looking tempting - this year is proving to be a bit of a bitch for emotional stability. "Hey - what's new KB" I can hear the chorus harmonizing in the background - but really...this is tough!


As night descends a veil of heavy empty heart falls over me - in the night (particularly 4 a.m. sh) sea monsters raise their heads despite the night light now on through the dark hours, cold mermaids touch my forehead and I feel the vice ice grip as I struggle out of bed. In the morning all it takes is one listen to the Judd's 'Unbreakable Heart' and my drive to work is hampered by rolls of rolling tears and breaking heart. (Try it - it's lovely and says it all is a sweet country sort of way!)


I know it will lessen and I know the fear will subside but in the dark its hard.


I found Mrs Fargie's blog this morning ' http://mrsfargies.blogspot.com/ and read it all again. It made me cry with remembered happiness and cry with grief all over again. I don't know how to put this to rest, where to lay it down. I suspect a burial at sea would be fitting - as i am still bobbing along on my temporary transitional boat taking me to goodness knows where.




When the sun comes up and I've had my coffee and my muffin...when I've taken the piss out of Sorcha's makeup/hair/lowslungness of her school trousers and kissed her nose and sent her to school..when I've paid my dues to the Judd's and fed the cats - then I will be back into my day. I will laugh and frown with my team at work, I will try to remember to book the flu jabs for me and the Pie, I will (I Must pay that credit card bill and put my perscription into the doctors. i will talk and laugh with old and new friends and I will be fine. It's just at night the monsters come.

Sunday, November 30, 2008




When Cleaning Comes Home....




I have spent many years in an independent state of living - seemingly endlessly surrounded by small children, their friends, teenagers and friends in need of cheesy biscuits, chocolate and wine ...and although I knew I was not the best housekeeper in the world I believed my home was clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy (another Nell Docherty wisdom). Evidence however would suggest that living in a home with carpets covered equally in glitter puddles, red wine stains and dried spaghetti hoops was probably not the most hygienic environment to be growing up in - buy hey we always made great pictures, costumes for Halloweens, had great parties and my girls have VERY robust constitutions. My husband (last seen in the engine room of said Titanic desperately trying to get the engine started again as the waves rushing in from the big hole in the bottom of the boat washed over them) always said his earliest memories of visiting me in my home when we first met were indelibly marked with the interesting mixed smell of cats, tobacco and vanilla. Vanilla of course is a magic scent that makes people feel loved and I was addicted to it back in those days...as I was nicotine. Glad to have shaken the one and hoping to resurrect the other.


Any how - to cut a long story short - my husband over this last decade has taught me the pleasures of order and cleanliness - well he has taught me that sometimes guddle can make a person tetchy and that lemon is a good scent as is bleach sometimes. His need for order has also been a pain in the arce though - when the need to hoover and clean toilets overtakes the need to invest time in a hug, that extra special half hour in bed on a Sunday morning or in just plain relaxing - well - then I'd go back to Nell's way anytime.


So - Sunday - gets up goes for magic winter walk with my friend and her dog (also my friend) - we marvel at the dinosaurs on the beach and decide we both need to do something about our long vision eyesightand get a book on birds before we die, we then go to Asda's together (girlie stuff to do!). On my return my 14 yr old teenage daughter and surrogate 15 yr old daughter (aka Sorcha's best friend Amy) start 'cooking breakfast' - that means covering every surface with everything, making puddles everywhere of any sort of sticky substance possible, burning things and then serving it all up triumphantly on a greasy plate...with love - and delicious it was. Chaos remains behind them as they disappear to do more interesting things like go back to sleep or giggle about something.

So - I have today scrubbed and hoovered and polished and dusted and washed and ordered and folded and put away - and its 7 o'clock now and I have just finished and I am now knackered. But I am also proud of our order in this stupid selfish emotional chaos caused by my so organised and tidy husband - and equally proud of the piles of things that shout 'home where love is' like the small mountain of unnecessary cosmetic items on the window sill of the hall (no reason!) and the interesting pile of shoes sitting beside the shoe organiser and not it it...the mad clutter of important things we must not lose on the fridge and sorcha's postcard from the drama department hailing her as all mighty in the class wobbing on the front of the cupboard door! My house is nice, sure it is, but not necessary - it's Knots Landing situation is nice - but it's not necessary - what is necessary is it smells of vanilla and cats and loving guddle and that will come with us wherever we go.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Titanic has sunk
















Alternative Chapter 1
Ok - we 3 Brown girls and at least some of ours...have inherited an ability/skill/talent to MANIFEST our lives. It comes through the Irish in us I believe...it came from Nells lineage. What this means is that we can place our determined vision of the future behind our eyes and PUSH it into birth - we can breath life in what we believe we deserve from life. Sometimes it takes a few years but it happens...good and bad. That is why we have also honed a determined postive attitude to swimming through this lifetime - lifetimes we all value very much. I Manifested my marriage with all my might and I believed with all my heart in my creation. God damn it I WAS going to be married and it was going to be a great marriage and I would go to the feckin ball. I thought I had. But it was not quite well enough made and it has sunk, and that is that.
Alternative Chapter 2
I have been very sad and overwhelmed with this loss - but stuff has happened to make me remeber that the world and the scope of the world is wide and I have not yet had my grown up gap year and there are people to meet, play with, talk to, love, sing and dance with all over this planet - and I have not even met them yet..so no time to lose. I am happy that coincidence or guardian angel has made me look hard at the wealth of love and friendship I have in my life and has made me make choices about the way my life will be manifested now (I have the flip chart paper and pens ready). I am hugely proud of my girls and hugely in love with my family and my friends. I am reclaiming the 27th December as the day upon which beautiful things happen - for the rest of my life. I am not mad and I am enjoying new friends.
Thats kinda it.
Whta a lot of shite one writes late in the night when wine has made you pre-sentimental-demented. Will get back to chapter 1 for a rewrite later -

Friday, November 28, 2008

Titanic is sinking

Chapter One

It was the ship that could not sink. It was built on secure plans. It was the unsinkable Fargie-Brown marriage. So much hard thought and work went into this ship and the voyage was heading out to sea well - to new lands - to better places. And then the captains both took their eyes off things. One to focus on making more money and creating more security so the elder cptn could retire and all would be well - and the elder cptn because he wasn't getting enough attention anymore because the junior captain was working so hard, started stargazing again - and the the iceberg was upon them.

***
Chapter Two

She was in the water - and she couldn't swim. Dimly -throught the shock - through the memory of the swirling water racing through the hole - the electrics going out, the cables sparking... - the distress hooter filling the night sky with screams - she realised that she was going to have to survive. She wasn't alone - goddamnit - there was a child - she was holding her up in the water and had to keep working for her. If she had been alone she could have let go and spiralled down down down. Treading water - singing hyms - slowly she knew and felt there were other craft in the water around her - shouting support - sending her things to float on and to hold onto - but though there was no room on their boats to get her out of the water - there was support and encouragement to keep going. The waves are high and the water and the air is cold and she is alone with her babe.

***
Chapter Three
Who knows why or how - but a secret flare brought a boat. The man who lived on that boat saw the girl and the babe and offered an oar. The girl clung. She climbed up and was given soup and a towel and new clothes and she dried her hair and found some sleep. The man was kind and funny and knew a thing or two about surviving ship wrecks and promised all he was doing was helping her reach shallower waters where she might be able to paddle into a new life alone - maybe - herself, maybe not. So she cried and fretted and then eventually relaxed on his boat as the sillhouette of the Titanic became smaller and smaller and she began to leave that shipwreck behind..she began to mourn for that fine ship and all that it promised. Now though she new she was starting from a new design idea and would - one day - have the resources to build again.

***
Chapter 4

What next - where to find a place to build a new boat for herself and her girls? Who will be there to help or can she do it all alone? Where will the boat go....?This chapter aint written yet.