Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Close of the year, end of this chapter...

Some of the people, places and things that have helped me over the last 3 months to get to here, where I can begin again

New Year 2009 has come and gone in Sydney. Beautiful, smart, feisty niece has just experienced the most amazing Ozzie fireworks that thanks to the wonder of our magical 21st Century technologies, I know about how great they were. Here in bleary Scotland we are on that mid afternoon sleepy old countdown to the 10..9...8...7...6 part of the year, another major cultural punctuation point of our calendar and the final one of this merry season that I am taking a deep intake of breath to face.

So how better to wait for the dusk to start creeping in than to compose the last and final post of this blog. After all - tomorrow is more than just another day - it is another year and another page. I am ending this story today and beginning a new one tomorrow, one I hope that will be less likely to qualify for a subtitle of 'ME ME ME' and more likely to be a little more outward and upward looking.

Lost and Found

This time last year I was a happy, happy person and thought that 2008 was going to be just the best year of my life. The absolute real beginning of a new life. I was wrong. For most of this year there was a horrible deceit being woven around my naive, defences down day to day existence. For most of this year I was living with falsehood and never saw it - so dazzled was I by the beauty of my glass slippers. Sadly the prince turned out to be having an exceptionally toady year and Buttons my mate had also been recast as a nasty ugly sister. The last few months have been the hardest and most painful I have ever lived through. That is sad but its over now, like panto season.

So what did I lose this year?

1) I lost my belief in fairy tales and happy endings. About time. I am on the down side slope to 50. When was I planning to grow up?

2)I lost respect and love for one of my best friends.

3)I lost my relationship with, my respect for and my pride about the man I thought was my 'one and only.' King John was not a good man...(AA Milne)

4)I lost my childish belief in a 'one and only'

5) I lost a lot of confidence and a lot of strength

6) I lost some weight

7) Some of the time I lost my mind

So what did I find this year?

1) I found that people who truly love and respect each other might not always see eye to eye about all matters but they love and respect each other and will be there when love and gentle respect is called for in the dark of a crisis

2)I found that it's OK to be really vulnerable and a bit off my trotters when wrapped in a blanket and that when I needed it most I was taken care of by lots of different people who I am very grateful to

3)I found old friendships are strong and threads between friendships can remain in place even if invisible- some gossamer like and some thick like embroidery thread - over many years

4) I found huge comfort in my family and their love and loyalty

5)I found I actually was not completely happy in my fairy tale of a life after all - if truth be told...

6)I found a new plan

7)I found I still have some of what I thought I had lost - the precious parts of that life, IE some of the people I have grown to love and respect as part of my new 'Fargie' family - James, Katie and their families and babes.

8) I found Face Book!

9) I found out who my friends really are

What I resolve for 2009

1) To tone up

2)To do my facial exercises every day and to take my mascara off every night

3)To be more temperate in all things - especially wine, late nights and chilli chocolate

4)To love my friends and family better and to never take them for granted

5)To remember that life is wonderful and life is scary - it gives and takes and sometimes all in a blink of an eye

6)To never take for granted that kiss, that smile, that goodbye, that hug, that I love you...cause it just could be the last without you ever knowing it is to be so

7)To never ever give my name away again

8)To cosy under a blanket more

9)To string many fairy lights and enjoy more music and sing more

10) To start to save for Graceland

11)To take my girls to Amsterdam like I always promised I would do

12)To spend less time on Face Book

13)To reclaim my state of independence

14) To take my time and to breathe deeply and slowly through life's turns and twists

What I want to say to you..and this is important

Without your messages, your texts, your conversations, your listening ear, your funny and irreverent jokes and comments in some of the darkest moments, your cards, your letters, your presents, your hand holding, the stopping's in the street and the workplace just to say 'I'm sorry, I heard, I hope you will be OK', the teas made for me/us, the drinks poured, the visits, the songs and Cd's sent, the squeezes on my shoulder, the carols sung, the sing star, the arms around me, the kisses, the quiet words of encouragement to go on, the coffees, the not letting me commit grievous bodily harm or murder, the occasional loan of money when I needed it, your anger on my behalf, the solutions you quietly worked out for me when I was too exhausted to find them myself, your grief on my behalf, the turkey and the puddings, the contact even when I was unable to welcome it and didn't want it, the Face Book messages, the fixing of the central heating, the disappointment on my and our behalf, the compassion in the face of many a fearful horizontal tearful , furious and heartbroken streaked breakdown, the many phone calls and the generosity and patience shown when I have not managed well and been at my nutsy best....and even my new home in 09.

Without all of this from you all I don't think I would have got through. I seriously don't think I would have. No touch was too small and no message too short to mean the world to me in my dark place.

So thanks - here is to you from me.

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being

May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

I hope you have a wonderful 2009.

Happy New Year from me to you xxx

Break open the champagne. The mourning is done, rebuilding is beginning...the road ahead is beckoning will be relieved to know that

'After all... tomorrow is another day' is now
over and out

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