Not withstanding that its has now reached that time of year when it is pitch black most of the time - it is freezing, my ridiculously expensive Norwegian Forest cats refuse - despite their triple oiled fur coats - to go out into the cold to climb any trees at all and even for the most well balanced person Prozac is looking tempting - this year is proving to be a bit of a bitch for emotional stability. "Hey - what's new KB" I can hear the chorus harmonizing in the background - but really...this is tough!
As night descends a veil of heavy empty heart falls over me - in the night (particularly 4 a.m. sh) sea monsters raise their heads despite the night light now on through the dark hours, cold mermaids touch my forehead and I feel the vice ice grip as I struggle out of bed. In the morning all it takes is one listen to the Judd's 'Unbreakable Heart' and my drive to work is hampered by rolls of rolling tears and breaking heart. (Try it - it's lovely and says it all is a sweet country sort of way!)
I know it will lessen and I know the fear will subside but in the dark its hard.
I found Mrs Fargie's blog this morning ' http://mrsfargies.blogspot.com/ and read it all again. It made me cry with remembered happiness and cry with grief all over again. I don't know how to put this to rest, where to lay it down. I suspect a burial at sea would be fitting - as i am still bobbing along on my temporary transitional boat taking me to goodness knows where.
When the sun comes up and I've had my coffee and my muffin...when I've taken the piss out of Sorcha's makeup/hair/lowslungness of her school trousers and kissed her nose and sent her to school..when I've paid my dues to the Judd's and fed the cats - then I will be back into my day. I will laugh and frown with my team at work, I will try to remember to book the flu jabs for me and the Pie, I will (I Must pay that credit card bill and put my perscription into the doctors. i will talk and laugh with old and new friends and I will be fine. It's just at night the monsters come.